I have been getting about an e-mail a week from the Wolf since he actually left Canada. Basically they all say variations of the same thing - its hot, its sandy, its boring, I'm tired, the days are long, some of the other guys irritate the crap out of me, thanks for the stuff you are sending, X was particularly appreciated, hey its your word on scrabble ... little details about daily life.
I appreciate the contact. I really do.
My head knows that I am getting more regular contact that anyone else in his family right now, and that I should be grateful. My heart still wants more.
My head knows that as he so eloquently puts it himself, its like being the sewer guy in the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day - same shit again every day - and that he feels he doesn't have anything interesting to tell me, 'cause he can't tell me any of the real interesting stuff. My heart still wants longer letters, more detail, to know the little things.
My head says to give things time, give him time to settle in, that he will find his groove, his peace, and that things will get better. My heart wants better NOW.
My head says crying won't do me any good, and asks, in my therapist's voice "now, what are those tears about?". My heart says things to my head that I won't repeat here, and cries anyway.
Oh, and my head kept screaming "NO! Don't do it!" after seeing another spouse's post about how many weeks until certain things happened in her hub's deployment - but my heart looked it up anyway, so here goes:
- 12 weeks 2 days to HTLA (R&R Leave) #1
- 22 weeks till HTLA #2
- 41 weeks until he is back in the country
- 3 months after that, tentatively, he goes back to play in the sand for another 10 months ...
There's a passage in the Bible that I had to grab onto once in a while... 'The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?'
ReplyDeleteIt's so true... and I do need the reminder sometimes. Unfortunately I didn't memorize it til I was past the point when my heart was leading me down roads I really shouldn't have been on... like sitting watching military tribute videos on YouTube at 1:00 in the morning and making myself cry... bad, bad idea. Makes for a doozy of a headache in the morning.
Anyway... I'm glad you're getting contact from him, really I am. Listen to your head as much as you can, and give your heart the reins once in a while if you need a good cry but then drag it back into line. You can do it. (((hugs)))