Sunday Confessional

I would like to take today to clear up a little misconception that a number of people have about the relationship between Sebastian and I.  Then I am going to muse a little about why I hesitate to correct people when they make this assumption, why I feel slightly embarrassed.

When I go visit Sebastian, I sleep in the guest room.

That's right, we are not having sex.

People who know me well might need smelling salts right now, since I do admit that I have a "healthy appetite", and in previous relationships I have been fairly quick to jump into bed.  I am not saying that's why they failed, but I do think it may have affected my judgement, and definitely taken the "getting to know each other" phase down a different path.  I also have some things from my past that makes sex give a cretain flavour to my overall behaviour in a relationship.

For Sebastian's part, he admits he was "a bit of a tramp" when he was younger, and his marriage was, well ... odd right from the word go.  He didn't exactly go into it with his eyes wide open. He may have been distracted by other things.

We had a lot of time to talk, to get to know each other's personalities, learn how each other think, and share our hopes, dreams, issues, and morals while he was in the sandbox.  Despite the distance and logistical challenges, we actually managed to have many really, really great conversations. 

Since he has been home, we have spent a decent amount of time physically in each other's company, and text regularly through out the day, every day, including when I get up, coffee breaks, lunch, after work, and good night texts.  Heck, the boy even texted me the other day to tell me he was going to be a bit late getting home from work.  (We live 500 km apart.  What, did he expect me to keep supper warm??)

I admit there are times when the sexual tension in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife.  I cetainly occasionally let my mind wander to the "what if" stage.

For us, for both of us, this is the right way to proceed for now.  To be valued as a person, to really get to know a man I am not sleeping with, and have them like me anyway, is quite a new thing for me. To feel so solid in the fact that his love for me is based on who I am, not what he "gets from me" in a physical sense, has taken some getting used to. I think it is, to a degree at least, the same for him.


Sex will be the right thing to do at some point.  S has already said he won't "make the mistake again of marrying someone he hasn't lived with", and for both of us sex is an important part of a relationship.  A part, however, that neither of us is ready for at this point, mentally and emotionally.  Although I honestly think I have less baggage on this point than he does.

I don't think it makes us any less committed to each other.  I don't think it makes our relationship any less real, any less loving, or any less important to either one of us.

But it does, often, embarass me to admit it; because, I think in society's eyes, sex makes a relationship "real", gives it legitimacy.  I feel like I will be judged, that we will be judged, based on our choice.  I know I shouldn't care about that, but sometimes is is just easier to let people jump to their conculsions, and not correct them.

Interestingly, I have shared this little detail with a few other people before now, and two other military wives I shared it with both said that their early relationships with thier husbands followed the same path.  I don't know if this is another commonality to folks that wear the uniform*, or just a comonality in the people who seem to be ebcoming part of my social circle at this turn in my life.

*trust me, I know there are a lot of "tramps", male and female, in uniform as well

I have no doubts about what we have, and I know I shouldn't let the fear of other's judgements make me uncomfortable about the choice we have made. For the record, S is not embarassed at all, and will be quite blunt if asked.      Maybe this is my "practice run" at becoming more comfortable with being proud of our choice, as opposed to embarrassed. 


And please, those of you who throw the occasional innuendo into your comments, don't stop - they make me laugh, they don't make me uncomfortable.  I just wanted to be completely honest today on this topic.