Rights ...

Disclaimer:  I really try to keep my comments on other people's blogs, and on chat boards, polite, non-confrontational, and moderate.  But that means I get to come here and say what I really think.

I respect all my readers, and I hope you know I appreciate all your comments.  As long as you keep them respectful, towards me and other readers, please disagree to your heart's content.  Write me a novel telling me why I am wrong.  I enjoy honest, respectful debate.

I read a blog of a person I feel close to in attitude, and sometimes in circumstance, although I have never met her in person.  She is in an unhappy marriage, but is staying in it, for her own reasons.  He husband is aware of her unhappiness.  I will not go into more detail, as it is her story, not mine.

The subject of sex between them came up.  She is not interested in having sex with this man.  On her personal blog, while debating it, she said: "He does, afterall, have a right to sex (with his wife)"

I gotta admit, that pushed a button for me.  I keep my personal baggage pretty well packed, but a snap on the suitcase popped when I read that line.

My comment I left was "No one has the "right to" have sex with you if you don't want to. No one. I don't give a rat's ass what the paperwork says. Nobody. Ever."

Some of the other readers disagree with me.  I am not going ot get into a pissing contest with anyone on her blog, because that's not how I roll.  But I need to get out the aftermath that has been in my head.

Near the end of our relationship, the last night we actually spent in each others company, to be precise, the Wolf was trying to "convince" me to do something I didn't want to.  He got a bit physical/forceful, and said to me "Just because (of something from my past), that doesn't give you the right to say no to me when I want to do something to your body". 

That line has haunted me since he said it.

Inintially, I was haunted because of what he said.  I had no come back at the time, I just froze, as did he.  I don't think he could even believe himself that he had crossed that line.  He pushed me away, and rolled over.  I doubt either of us slept much.

In the days that followed, it occurred to me that he was right.  A moment from my past does not give me the right to say no to him.

The fact that I am a human being with feelings, deserving of respect, and with control over my own body and mind, gives me the right to say no.

The fact that he and I were engaged; the fact that this other woman is married, is irrelevant.  No body has the right to make you do something, have sex, perform a certain way, if you don't want to.  You do not "owe it to" anyone, regardless of their relationship to you.

For me, and thinking about the incident with the Wolf again, I am sad that this man I loved, who I still believe somewhere in his soul loved me back, had gotten to so dark a place that he would say something like that.  He was the one that was supposed to protect me from the dark memories, not use them against me.  That he was capable of saying that to me ... haunts me still.  That he may believe it, not so much about me, but about himself ... also haunts me.

So that's where my head has been at the last couple of days ... good thing I usually have an office to myself, because some of my musical choices as of late have been interesting!

(End note: this is the first time this particular incident with the Wolf has seen the light of day since it happened.  I told one other individual about it, months later, and it was very briefly discussed.  Maybe, like other scabs, exposing it to light and air will help.)