I think I've been courting the edge of depression the last few months, but I am starting the climb back up.
(aside: I've never personally been fond of the term "black dog", because I've know too many black dogs in my time, and all of them were friendly and comforting. That's just me)
Or, as I've been saying it bluntly, I seem to have my "give a fuck" back.
I have made a few conscious changes - turning off my work phone at 20:30 unless I actually have a late meeting; trying to make it to bed on time; less time on the computer and more time reading, and, very important for me, I have banned those mindless "tile matching" type computer games from my life.
I don't know if it is a side effect of the scar tissue on my brain, but those tile matching type games get me wound up. I am highly competitive, and my friends play them, so I am inclined to go beat their scores, but then I get stuck and just keep playing, and don't notice the passage of time. On days when I play, my insomnia is much, much worse. I did talk to my neurologist about it, and he didn't really have any thoughts one way or the other, but he did think it was a possibility, and found it interesting.
It is kind of a chicken and egg thing; I don't know if the little changes have led to the cloud lifting a bit, or if the cloud lifting has enabled me to make the little changes, but I am getting more ambition to do things again, to care about things, to be social, etc. I am trying my best to feed that feeling, and keep it going. I am also trying to do things that make me be accountable to others; making "dates" with friends, etc.
I feel now like I am standing on the precipice of something big, something good, something positive ... I hope I have the courage to grab it when I get there.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
2 comments:
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I am pleased that you feel you are on the verge of something big...and positive. Certainly you're due for some big-time positive STUFF.
ReplyDeleteI can absolutely see the games affecting your sleep...it makes perfect sense to me.
I had to chuckle at your aside because as you well know I borrowed the phrase Black Dog from Winston Churchill when I was a lad and use it frequently. I actually see it as a term of endearment. Basically because I have made peace with that side of me.
Here's pulling for you and your Big, Brave New World!!!
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Yay you, Basinah. I had to rid myself of all of those games too. It was bad enough that I want to read on my computer with grand frequency, but the gamsie things ... were giving me headaches. And eating all my time.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by feeling like good things are around the corner. Making small changes can really make all the difference.