If I tell my friends in relationships that they have to make only themselves and their partner happy, and if someone else doesn't like their relationship, too bad, then I can't be disappointed when choices are made that put the relationship first, and me a far distant second.
~~~~~~~~~
Sounds good, doesn't it?If only I could get my heart to agree.
I throw the above platitudes out, but it still hurts me when I see friends and family members making choices that I think are going to hurt them. It interesting, my friend Karen posted THIS LINK today, and wow was it ever appropriate. I have saved it to re-read, and will try to let the lessons sink in.
Strangely, that was my therapist's main message last week too - quit carrying other people's baggage, quit trying to fix other people's problems.
I can't fix my brother's marriage; I can't even diagnose it as broken. I can just love and support him, and be the best sister I can be.
I can't fix what is going on with Sebastian; I can just love and support him and be the best ... me ... that I can be. Not his mom, not his advisor, not someone else telling him what to do ... just me.
I have other friends that I need to apply this same lesson too; one in particular that, since watching him walk the road he is on is so painful to me, that maybe it is time I let the "friendship" go. He has severed it himself repeatedly, but always comes back ... and then the cycle repeats, and he leaves again. Maybe this time I need to say no, that I care too much to be part of this any more, that I will not do it to myself.
It is time to sort my own bags out.
This is not the first time I have heard this lesson. My Reiki master that I trained with told me the same thing, she said that many of the problems I chose to carry were not my own. Since I spend so much time on the road, I used to have a sign in my car that said "OK, Everyone Out Of The Car!" (it used to freak out the occasional passenger I did have). That was where I did most of my "stewing", while I was driving ~ I would worry about my parents, my brother, various friends, ... the list can get quite long.
Easy to say; much harder to do.
My homework from the first therapy session was to make a list of the bags I can put down. I think its time to do my homework.
B-Learning that I am powerless over other people was one of the most important lessons I learned in recovery. Accepting that was even more important. I can't tell you how many times in the early days of my sobriety i recited the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE" (Caps Mine)
ReplyDeleteThe "wisdom to know the difference" between what I could and could not change was the critical piece there...
My experience has pretty much proven what you've said here as true...I can't make everything OK for the people I care about...no but what I can do is love them and be there for them.I had people in my life do that for me, support me...and you know that made a huge difference.
Thank you for posting this...it is a simple truth but it's so hard to put into practice on a daily basis when a person you love is really struggling.
Peace to you my friend...thinking and praying for you during this difficult time. BIG HUGS!
While I am not a God person, the writer hits the nail on the head. I work simply at trusting, and learning to know when hard work is appropriate and when to wait upon the Universe. *shrug* It works for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for putting that post out here for us to read, your first homework task, and your meditations on the whole subject. I don't know if I agree that you are a hypocrite so much as a person working on their stuff, continuing the walk of the mentally healthy. =)
karen
We're all hypocrites. We expect little of others and the world of ourselves. Go easy on yourself :) And do your homework!!! Hehe.
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