Patience and strength

I was speaking with a friend the other day about the Wolf situation, and he said something along the lines of admiring my strength.  I was startled by a comment like that.
I firmly believe the Wolf will not let this rest until one of us is dead*.  I also firmly believe nothing will happen in the short term.  We are talking, after all, about a man who waited 13 years between the first and second time he asked me to marry him.  Four months between his first and second attempts to find me this year.  He knows how to wait.  I assume his sniper training would just re-inforce the ability to wait for the proper moment to act. And he firmly believes in the Klingon proverb that revenge is a dish best served cold.

So I go on about my life.  I don't take stupid risks, I check my 5's & 20's, I plan ahead ... but I don't live in fear, I don't let him win.

Does this make me strong?  I think it just makes me a realist.  I accept what is, and go on about my life with what I see as the appropriate modifications.

I have many times when I am weak.  I have many times when I let this get the best of me, and am so weak that I am afraid I will never find my way back to strength, even enough strength to just carry on.  It sits in the back of my brain and nags at me like a little imp.  I jump at shadows, a frighten people with my aggressive stares and reactions to being startled.

To have someone else say they admire my strength makes me feel like a fraud, like I am putting on some face to the world that does not exist.   And it makes me feel like when people find out how weak I really am they will be disappointed in me.  Like I can't be weak in front of most people, because it is not what they are ready to accept from me.


* as clarification, no, I do not mean to seak his death, or my own, as a way to end this. I can't, however, say the same for him.  And no, that topic is not up for debate - I will defend myself to the level necessary, but will not be "pro-active".