Counting time again. (Still? Forever?)

(Part 3 of "She" will happen, I am just taking some time to get some other things out.)

Less than 3 weeks until Sebastian, and a few other friends, leave.

Slightly less than 5 months until the Wolf returns.

I am not sure which one I am more nervous about.

Sebastian is heading off to do a job, in a area, that has him rather worried.  This will be his 4th tour in the sand; this is not first time jitters.  I am obviously not going into any sort of detail here, but from what he has explained to me his concerns certainly seem justified.  It is a job that needs to be done, so the folks charged with it, he and his team, will go do it.  Sebastian is also in a leadership role/rank/position.  He is not (admitting to be) concerned about his own safety; he is concerned that he will not be bringing his entire team home, that he will not be able to protect the brave men who share this task with him. 

Having seen first hand the devestating effects of survivor guilt, I pray that he is wrong; that their tasks get accomplished and that every one of them, including Sebastian, comes back to the people that love them, safe, physically and mentally.

~~~~~~~~~

As an interesting aside, I did something at work last week (chainsawing, on a steep slope, without anyone else present) that was stupid.  I did twist my knee, but nothing worse.  Sebastian was giving me crap, and I said to him "Look me in the eye and tell me you have never taken a stupid but calculated risk to get a job done that needed doing".  He conceeded my point.  It didn't make either of us feel any better.

~~~~~~~~~

As the Wolf's return date draws closer, it is also on my mind.

Now I know some of you are thinking "5 months??  What the heck is her definition of closer???"  but consider a few things:
~ I haven't seen the boy in the flesh since the end of July, so yes this does seem like an "imminent arrival", at this point
~ my work schedule will make the next 2.5 months literally fly by; I won't notice the passage of time; next time I "pay attention" it will be mid June, and the coutdown will really be on
~ The Wolf's sister in law, lovely well meaning woman, is already gently making suggestions about getting the two of us together when he is home.
~ it's my brain, it can process things the way it wants to.

So what will happen when the Wolf returns?  (Yes, I know I shouldn't be borrowing trouble, I should just wait and let things happen when they do.  Did you read the paragraph at the top?  The one that says this is my place to purge my daemons??)

Will I be able to stick to my guns, tell him I don't want anything to do with him unless he is sober, and agrees to get help, and even then I don't know if we can heal from what has happened?
Will I even want to see him?
Will he want to see me?

Part of me thinks I still need the face to face closure.
Part of me, if I am completely honest, still thinks I can "save him" ~ convince him to see how destructive his behaviour is to himselft and those around him, convince him to reach out for the help that is available
Part of me wants to run and hide, find out exactly when he will be in this province, and make arrangements to be somewhere else ... but I know, in my heart, that would leave me wondering "what if"
Part of me has moved on, and doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes if I tell him that.  Although I may be flattering myself that it would hurt him.
Part of me will always be his friend.  And part of me is pretty pissed with him.

~~~~~~~~~

There are times I don't know if I can do this; but I care for both of these men, and so I must.  I love with my whole heart, and that means that I worry, but they need to do what they do, and I respect and support that.

~~~~~~~~~

Another turn of the wheel's gone round, leaving something else to rise above

One more emotional deal's gone down; Another trial for the power of love ...

(A Turn of the Wheel, Rawlins Cross, 1989)